amyHELLER | my paperie sweets & me

Baby Steps

This week will mark the 4-month anniversary. Four months that have elapsed, and yet some days feel like no time has passed, like it just happened. Some days it feels like an eternity.

Over the past couple weeks I've been feeling a different portion of my healing process, that I wasn't sure I'd ever achieve - moving forward, slowly. I am starting to see a place where I do things that I did before in my life, however in just a much more balanced way.

December 14, 2012, ended the life as I knew it, in so, so many ways. I won't go into all the things I've been doing the past 4 months, as I feel a major sense of protection for everyone in our community. Even now as I write this, I have emerging and conflicting feelings - anger, bitterness, deep sadness for the gravity of loss so many here are experiencing, including myself. Yet, I'm beginning to feel my own need to get back to some of the things that make me who I am, to the things that fufill my heart. It's still a heavy feeling because there is such a sense of anguish and guilt for doing anything that takes me back to my pre-December 14th life. I just have to keep reminding myself, the mantra that our town has embraced "We Are Newtown. We Choose Love." If I am to live my life by that mantra, I have to continue doing what I love and make certain that I learn to balance that with those things that my "new" life requires of me and my time, which could easily be a full-time job. It won't be easy, that I know.

This past weekend, I went to a crop for about 5 hours. It was a 3-day event. I knew I wasn't ready for that kind of marathon of scrapping, so I just went on Saturday for a few hours. I hadn't moved one single thing off my desk or craft are since December. Everything was covered in Christmas product and unfinished projects. I gathered what I could, and two photos I hadn't scrapped yet, and made my way to the event. I was so glad to have this as my first scrapping experience since - in a neutral place, not my area where I was when I received the news. It took me a good couple hours to get into my first page, but after 5 hours I was able to nearly complete 2 layouts. It was progress. 

I will leave you with this. On the morning of 12/14, at the time that I got the infamous "reverse 911" call from our school district telling us that there was a shooting, this is what I was working on. I've only shared this with a very few people. As those children were being murdered in their classroom, these are the words that came to me.
I have clung on to the fact that these are the words I was focused on during those awful few minutes for those poor babies. I'm not sure if it was a sign that all would be alright, but I choose to believe that it means there is room for hope.

I haven't opened this file since that morning. And I'll be honest, I'm not sure I'm ready to embrace "Joy" yet, but I am ready to start the process of finding Peace and Love again.

Lastly, I just want to say "Thank you" to everyone who left me comments, prayers, thoughts throughout this terrible, terrible time for me, my family and my community. Thank you for sending cards, letters, snowflakes, toys, quilts, scarves, pillowcases, poems, artwork, resources, your childrens' artwork, handmade hearts, handprints and the thousands and thousands of other things that you all sent to our community. I will tell you from personal experience, it was tremendously appreciated and so, so overwhelming. The outpouring was nothing short of a landfall of love, from all over the country and the world. Like nothing I've ever experienced.

Hobbling About My Day + Origami October Afternoon Gift Boxes

So, this morning is the first time in almost 48 hrs that I've been able to get downstairs to my computer to do, anything, and it's because of this lovely ensemble I am now donning. Aint' she a beaut - or a boot!? Well, a boot she is indeed. Wednesday my ankle collapsed as I walked on some uneven pavement, and this is the result - 3+ ligaments torn and heck of a lot of pain. This ankle has given me trouble since school from several turned ankle injuries in basketball, then a severe turning in high school, that landed me in a similar brace. Since then, I've had it collapse several times, once even when I was VERY pregnant with my daughter, but it's never been this bad since the high school one. I'm just hoping it heals on its own and no further intervention is needed. Ugh. What a way to kick off the holidays - getting our tree at the tree farm this weekend, will require - some adaptations I believe! LOL. Oh, well, things could be much worse.

On a brighter note, I thought I'd share some gift boxes I created for the October Afternoon blog this week. If you've followed me over the years, you know I love making origami. These cute little boxes are simple origami boxes with lids (if you do that search on Google, several good tutorials pop up). They are perfect for creating with your 8x8 or 12x12" paper sheets for the holidays. To see all the details on sizes, etc. of these boxes, check out the post on the October Afternoon blog, here. 

I can even see making 25 of these little boxes and using them as an advent calendar! So much fun, and so easy to create!

Also, did you see? The new Studio Calico, Darling Dear is in the Two Peas in a Bucket shop, now! So cute! I want some of those deer images asap for my Winter Album. They are so adorable!

InLinkz.com

That's going to wrap things up for me today! I hope you have a wonderful day and weekend! Thanks for stopping by!

Remembering 9/11 & Lily Bee Design

As I write this, I am watching the Live stream of CNN's coverage of the annual reading of the nearly 3,000 names of those Americans who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. 

I had the opportunity to walk down by the 9/11 memorial in NYC this summer. Because we had our kids with us who were very impatient that day, we did not go into the memorial, but I won't ever forget the scene outside of the memorial. People were sitting everywhere just looking at the site, and the Freedom Tower that is currently under construction. In a place that is bustling with activity and noise, this portion of Manhattan was still. It was quiet. It was like nothing I've experienced. It was moving, and it was incredibly sad.

We lived 3,000 miles away on that day. And today, I'm only 75 miles away. My husband and I both know people here in Connecticut who were intimately impacted by the events of that day. My husband now works with people that witnessed the events as they occurred from their previous office location. It is now a very close event for us. It's still so poignant for those of us Americans who experienced that days' events, no matter where we were in our country that day, even after 11 years.

It seems fitting then, that the challenge on the Lily Bee Design blog today, is to commemorate your country by creating a project that focuses on your patriotism for your country and it's colors. Here are a couple sneaks of my cards that I created.

To see the whole cards and to see what Melissa Stinson created, head over to the Lily Bee Design blog here. 

Thank you for stopping by today. Let us never forget. 

It's Hard to Believe . . .

that I am now officially the momma of two full-time school-age kiddos.

My Love - 5th Grade

My Joy - 1st Grader

Since October of 2002, I've completely dedicated my life to raising - nurturing, protecting, loving, encouraging, teaching, guiding, re-routing, cleaning, feeding, cuddling with, grooming, sharing, playing with, listening to, driving around, and general providing what I felt was the very best for my two beautiful kids in a desperate attmept to give them an upbringing that I did not have.

I am overprotective, to the nth degree. My husband sometimes calls me Momma Bear because of it. I've sacraficed a lot. I've been through a lot. It's been a bumpy road at times. Much, much more so than I ever imagined. But, I also never imagined, could never imagine, the love and fulfillment this girl and this boy have given to me. They've given me life, quiet honestly. Hope, happiness and joy all wrapped into two little bodies that I've been blessed with.

I remember hearing before I had kids, how parenting is the most challenging and the most rewarding job you'll ever have. That did not make any sense to me at the time. Afterall, I was a very driven and successful career person. Surely staying at home with kids all day would be a cinch compared to the deadlines, responsibilities and expecatations that I had from other adults. All I have to say about that is, DUDE - I WAS WRONG.

I think the thing that no one can ever really explain to one without kids, are about the emotional highs and lows that are tied to raising a child. It's a roller coaster sometimes. And there are days that you want to jump off. And then there are days of exhileration. Yesterday, for example, my son had to have his 3rd set of ear tubes surgically inserted and his aednoids removed. Yes, the day before his first day of full time school. It was a difficult day, yes. Then last night, as he was taking a bath and I was watching him like a hawk so that he wouldn't get water in his ears, I told him, as I do with both of my kids, "Do you know how much I love you?" Usually they just say, "YES, Mom. You say it all the time!" or "As big as space?"  but this time, he said "I love you, more". Me = Melt. 

Today I start a new chapter. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious to make people proud. I feel there are some in my life who see what I've done over the last 10 years as a step back from where I was (in my career). Most of all I am anxious to make me proud. I'm looking forward to doing more for myself. At the same time I am hopeful that my kids will remember these first years of their lives and know that, without a shadow of a doubt that their Momma did everything possible and within her power, for them. And I hope that they know I did it all because my love for them is unmeasurable. Even with every last bump in the road, I'd do it all over again. For them.

CLOSED | De-Stash Grab Boxes!

UPDATE | This giveaway is now closed. I have a very long list of wait-listed people, but I don't think there will be another grab box giveaway for a little while. Thank you so much for your interest!
Hi everyone! I mentioned a while back on Facebook that I was thinking of having some grab-boxes available to my blog readers, FB friends, Twitter followers. Well, it's been a couple months, and I am FINALLY ready to get this stuff on its way out of my hands and into yours!!

In exchange for lots and lots of wonderful goodies from various manufacturers, I simply ask that you pay the shipping to get the goods to you, via PayPal payment. 1 box per person, please.

What's available?
- 4* Large Flat Rate Boxes - US $15.45 +tax/ea.
- 4* Medium Flat Rate Boxes - US $11.35 +tax/ea.
*possibly more boxes available (see below) 

Included in these boxes are a wide range of products including paper (full collections kits, partial kits, 6x6 paper pads, loose 12x12" sheets), embellishments, stamps, stickers, tools, you name it, there's a little bit of everything in each of the boxes. Where did this stuff come from? Most of it is leftovers from the past year of DT work, some are pieces that I've bought over the past couple years and never had the chance to use, and still other pieces may have been provided to me from publication reimbursements, or other giveaways. I can't possibly use everything, so I just want to spread the joy to everyone who's been so wonderful to me over the years here on my blog and via Facebook/Twitter! :D

If you are interested in paying the shipping for one of these grab boxes, please email me at the email address to the left and I will be in contact with the first 8 people to get in touch with me.

*However, as I am putting these boxes together over the next couple days, there may be MORE than these 8 boxes. If that is the case and I have more than 8 people respond, I will simply go down the list in order of receiving their email, to get them the next box I fill.

If you are overseas and want one of these boxes, I have no problem with that, just be aware that the prices above are ONLY for US shipments. International shipping will vary. 

When all my boxes are filled and claimed, I will update this blog post to show that this offer has been closed. 

Thanks so much everyone! Good luck!

"Sometimes, Life... Just Plain Sucks"

 

Source: google.com via Anna on Pinterest

 

...that's what I said to my husband about three weeks ago, as we sat together, cried, and held each other upon learning that his Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer.

At the time, I was putting together my workshop for Two Peas, in its the final stages, my hand was still recovering from gouging it with a glass after falling - which I still can't feel one of my fingers from. He was up to his eyeballs in work after having this boss leave just a couple weeks earlier, and all the responsibility was put on his shoulders - working 15 hours a day if not more. Commuting 4 hrs a day, and dealt with a plethora of new challenges to oversee.

We cried; held each other, and in those moments, I felt closer to him than ever.

Now, a little time has passed. The sting has worn off, a little, about the news of his Mom's illness. Now we are in "wait and see" mode to learn how her chemo is working after this first round is wrapped up in about a month's more time.  

We pulled ourselves together, put on strong faces, and plowed through those 2 weeks of torture, between our family news and work related issues. It was a time when we should have been celebrating the new adventures in our future, instead we were just trying to scrape by, and "make it" through. 

I don't often share a lot of personal stuff here on my blog, mostly because I try to live a pretty happy, non-momentous, stress and drama free life. In other words, it's pretty boring, and that's just the way I like it. I've been through enough drama in my life to last several, and I simply can't function with it. 

So, now that the dust has settled from everything, I feel like I'm melting a little, and that's hard. It's always like that isn't it ? You always get through it, it's afterward that's the tough part.The emotions are strong, and I just want to hide under the covers until I feel better, until the sadness wanes.

I miss my husband who's job is taking over his life, I miss my Mom and my sister who are 3,000 miles away, I miss being connected with my family and friends from "home". I feel helpless being so far from my MIL, who I would love to be there for right now. And there's so much more....it just all sucks.

I know it will pass, as all sucky things that come up in life do. I am a glass is half-full person by nature, so I always try to see the other side of the rough patches in order ride them, knowing it will be alright in the end. Right now, it's just tough. I'm grateful for all that I have, don't get me wrong. Sometimes, life is just rough, for everyone. Bottom line is how you deal with it and recover from these bumps.

I recently read a quote that said, "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it".

I like to think that is true. 

This too, shall pass and great things are to come in this life, I know. I'm just plugging along right now . . .don't mind me. ;)

You Asked, I Obliged

It's been a couple years since I shared much of my scrap space here on my blog. Today, I was challenged to share my space on the October Afternoon blog. Well, I spent several days purging organizing in an effort to be ready to photograph it, as well as make it more efficient and, well, I wasn't able to photograph it until late last night, when I had to you my incandescent lighting - which is never very appealing. So, I thought I'd share some natural light photos of my space here so you can get a bit of an idea of how it looks most of the day. I try to work by natural light - it is easier on my eyes (I have very light-sensitive eyes). 

This is what I see when I am working on paper projects. Basically I have that large craft mat as my space. Needless to say, it often looks much more cluttered than this because of the space constraints! That's what you get in a basement, I guess, at least ours! My ribbon storage, obviously needs to bee addressed here, too, it's a mess!!

This is that same space looking down from the other end of the room. I couldn't get a good natural light photo of this end of my room, so you'll have to check that out here on the OA blog.

This is the full width of my space. As you can see, it's not a large space, but it's finally become much more functional with MANY trials and errors in how I've organized it. 

To the right of me is my Expedit. One major plus of a small room - everything is within an arms-length stretch! :D

Finally, this is what I see most days when I am writing posts, etc. on my computer. My sewing machine and my Cameo squeezed together and all of my design team papers kept in vertical files by collection from the most recent CHA. That window is often a source of entertainment, too. Because it's partially underground, I get birds and frogs that come to visit me at it. I've had to rescue a frog or two that have jumped down into the well space around the window on the outside and couldn't get out! I also have had some frogs that hung out on the exterior screen sometimes for days. When it snows, it's really cool too, because I can see at eye level just how much we've gotten. The kids love to run by it and wave to me when they are playing outside, too. It's fun.

Oh, and many have asked, where I purchased my wire baskets on my walls. I purchased them at Ballard Designs, but I've seen very similar ones recently at Home Goods as well. I love them! They fit 12x12" layouts perfectly, which is of course, awesome!

That's about it. I did share some more specifics on the October Afternoon post on some of my organization strategies in my room, so if you'd like to check that out, there's a link here for that. Thanks so much for stopping by! I hope you have a wonderful weekend! :D