amyHELLER | my paperie sweets & me

Being Real

I'm going to be real. Because I feel like I deserve it  - and so do you.

I'm not the same. I've been broken, cracked, and my spirit has been altered (.....again).

My life has been a series of traumatic alterations and breaks that I've somehow pulled myself through- according to my therapist - despite many odds. (Yes, I see a therapist and I recommend everyone should see one!) 

This time, though, I feel different. This time I don't think that I can pull myself through by masking it by keeping myself busy with work or trying to cover it up with happy photos and pretty pictures that somehow represent the best parts of my life and not the real stuff.

Over the last nearly two years, I have grown to despise Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, selfies, propped photos - it's all fake and unreal. I'm tired of comparing myself to others. I am tired of feeling lousy about myself at the end of the day on top of everything else I'm dealing with, because my life and my work aren't picture perfect like I see portrayed in my Instagram feed. I've stopped following those I thought I "needed" to follow, because it seemed so egregiously fake to me. I would become angry every time I would see perfectly propped this-or-that - it was making me feel inferior and that angered me. It didn't used to, but now it does.

I've grown wildly intollerant of "fake" everything. I've grown intollerant of other people's masks. I've grown intollerant of my own masks of trying to do things "perfectly" - and I have many. It's something that I developed early on in life - striving for perfection and acceptance of others. Grades, work, art, my own self image, all of it. And I'm tired - exhausted, really. I just want to be ok with me and how I represent myself, and have others be okay with me and appreciate me for who I am, not for what my body looks like, or what my perfectly propped picture says about me. Isn't that what we all want?

I mentioned, nearly two years ago, that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to return to this place of celebrating my family's life in pictures and art. And to a large extent that has become true. I haven't scrapped in over 6 months. Not even once. And I'm okay with that. I don't feel pressured to create a specific memory for the sake of a scrapbook page, and that's kinda nice. And my kids are happy that they aren't constantly baraged by my camera.

Perhaps the reason I can't scrap with the same zeal as I used to is due to the still nagging guilt I feel for still having my entire family to hold in my arms, when other people I know can not. Perhaps it's just that I'm tired of the one-upping I feel that comes from social media and trying to appear to be someone I am not. I'm not sure. I'm sure they both play a role.

How I see it, and my truth is:

I don't want to spend unlimited amounts of time working like I used to. I have these beautiful kids that I am so lucky to have and I now refuse to work the 40-60 hours/week that I used to. I now refuse to work on weekends when my husband is home so that we are able to have some much needed family time. And I refuse to use that time together as an opportunity to create an in-organic experience for the sake of my work. That feels fake and dishonest to our family.

I don't insist on styling up my kids for every photo.

I don't insist that my kids' rooms look like something I want them to look like or that are always photoshoot ready.

I don't have wanderlust.

I'm not a fashionista.

I'm not a size zero after having x- number of kids, hell, I couldn't even be a size zero after 1 kid! 

My meals consist usually of leftovers and acting as a sous chef to two kids who won't eat anything that remotely looks beautiful or fancy, or that took any time to make.

I have a mutt, not a designer dog.

My studio isn't meticulously painted, propped or styled.

I don't make up my face and hair every day.

My home isn't out of a page of a magazine.

I don't feel the need to perpetually take selfies alone or with a lovely gaggle of beautiful friends gallivanting around to stylized places that specifically would look great as a backdrop for one photo to share with everyone on social media. 

 I HAVE TRIED BEING ALL OF THESE THINGS AND IT HAS MADE ME MISERABLE. 

Believe me, I absolutely WISH I had all of these things in some parallel universe - but I don't. And honestly, I don't actually think anyone's world is like this - but that's what you get on an Instagram feed and it can be nauseating and exhausting to try to live up to when you see so many other people's "lives'" look like it.

 

So.

I've had to edit many things in my life, including my Instagram feed and how I spend my time.

I need to focus on me. 

I can't sit at a desk and/or computer all day long, day-in and day-out any more - because that's what it took to try (unsuccessfully) to live up to some of these things I've mentioned above.

I am on a quest to seek balance. 

Do I want to work? YES!

Do I want to work like I was before 12/14/2012? Absolutely not. 

I am trying to figure out for myself what I need to seek true balance. I am working to re-define what that looks like for me. 

Do I have any jobs with outside companies lined up?  Nope. Not even one.

Do I wish I did?   It depends on the job. 

Do I have ideas in mind for what I want to do?  Yes.

Do I think I will get to them today?  Probably not.

Will I let you know when I do get to them?   Yes.

Do you care at this point? I'm not sure. But I'm going to do it anyway, but at my own pace.
Yes. I do have a new website I am "working" on. That is the place where I will link up my workshops. And I will get it done for those who have previously purchased my workshops as soon as I am able. I am targeting within the next month. What the other content on the website will be at this point? I guess that is the big question mark.

I leave you with some final thoughts before I come back to this place next time. These are my own opinions. Not meant in any way to judge, rather to explain my absence by giving you a glimpse into my thoughts about the world around me in response to my own experiences. I'm trying to evolve, grow and become stronger as an individual, a mother, friend, wife, artist. Mine is an unusual circumstance in which I hope none of you have to experience. But when real trauma happens to you, it changes your core essence and how you view and perceive the world and the people around you.  I don't feel that I can continue this path of blogging and portraying myself or my family in a somewhat public way without sharing my truth with those of you who have followed my journey for the last 6 years. I thank you for all of those years. I hope that you will support and embrace this new path with me, whatever that may be. I'm aiming for it to include REAL life, balance, love and positivity.

And, if you are on a similar path, let me know. I would welcome some other real-lifers in my life! :)

I wanted to share these two songs that I LOVE about being less than "perfect" (or what everyone thinks about being perfect). Honestly, if these songs came out when I was younger, I think they would have been game changers for me in my fruitless quest for perfection all these years! Enjoy :)

  

 

The New Space | Work in Progress

It took a week+, but I got my space in the new house about as organized and tidied as I possibly could. I thought I'd share some pictures with you today since the kids are both occupied with friends today!

As you walk in, straight ahead are my desks, under two large windows.

My camera doesn't have a wide enough angle on it to get both from inside the room, so please forgive the overlap in the first photo.

As you look to the right of the sewing area, are my two Ikea 4x4 Expedit's

As you continue to look to the right, is a large closet (where LOTS of miscenllaneous schtuff is being kept, like film photos, kids' artwork, college portfolio work, wrapping paper and gift wrap supplies,  etc. It's a catch-all right now of the things that don't "fit" in the working space of the office/studio.

Next to the closet, and as you come in the door, is this little nook.

 

This is the area where I'll be hanging my completed pages, or other artwork. That drawer system currently holds all of my hand punches. 

Last up, and my least liked portion of my space, is the computer desk area. 

Right now it's just a folding table with my computer, my husband's laptop, our printer, my silhouette, my bamboo, my time capsule, and more, and it's just not working! This whole wall (as well as the dek potion of the perpendicular wall, is where I want to get built in cabinets, and desk space so that we can more effectively use this space. But that won't come for another year or two. For now, it is what it is, and it ain't purty. (ARGH, that mess of wires is making me itch!!!)

Anyhoo - I got some great news about some things that will be coming up late in August, so I can't wait to share that with you, along with some fun stuff, I personally have planned for the blog, and design projects for the future. Thanks so much for stopping by!

Introducing | The New Space

I posted this a little while ago on Instagram. This is my space in the new house. About a third of it anyway. Well, it hasn't changed much since, so I thought I'd share here. But this morning, I finally spent some time rummaging through that pile in the center of the room and have it down to, well, a smaller pile! Progress. Little steps. The good news is, I'm ready to tackle this space. and I'm excited to see what happens with it over the next few weeks. 

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my post yesterday and on Facebook. It meant a lot to hear from you. I had forgotten how much I missed this part of my life, and all of you! You are all so kind, and forgiving, and I so appreciate that! 

As I further get this organized I'll update here so you can see the progress! 

Apologies + Goodbyes + Hellos

It seems fitting for me to come back today to update you on several things.

 

But first, an apology 

I've been a terribly bad blogger, a worse scrapbooker, a TERRIBLE 1st-time Project Lifer, and woefully absent from a LOT the last 6 months - in my own little world of household and daily life chaos. I've been trying to work on me and that's been an uphilll battle to say the least. More on that later. Back in March, we moved into our new home and I have a wonderful new space to call my own (studio) with it's own door that I can close off! It's an upper level room with large windows - and an additional space just adjacent to it that is perfectly suited for a mini daylight photography studio! I should be thrilled, right? Alas, it's been 3 months and everything is still.in.boxes. and I can't get it together.

What I thought would be a wonderful jumpstart back into my designing life -  after we moved into the new house - was curtailed mid-way through the purchasing process by a terrible knee injury back in mid-February that required a reconstruction of one of my ligaments and 4 months later is still requiring regular Physical Therapy. (If you can avoid it, don't ever rupture your ACL-the recovery time is ridiculously long). While I'm finally able to walk (because who needs to do that?!) and all my "normal" daily routine stuff, I can't exercise like I was; kickboxing and high intensity conditioning classes. They say I'll be able to get back to it, but not for another 3 months, and never with the same "umph" as before. Not being able to exercise along with the circumstances related to my injury have played a major toll on my emotions. I've physically not been able to do a lot until recently, so doing any design work was on the backburner. I wasn't able to photograph much, because I wasn't able to get around very well, so memory keeping and photography were on the backburner. Not being able to do the things I was SO looking forward to, and loved to do on a daily basis were torn from me. I was feeling very, very down and unmotivated. I think having all this happen on the heels of feeling bettter about life in general after 12/14 just amplified my melancholy. I apologize, for not updating when I have previously stated that I would, or designing more when I said I would. I just haven't been able to yet.

(Man, this sounds like a lot of quibble, when I write it out like this. Jeesh!) 

 

The First Goodbye

Last month, I said goodbye to being a member of the October Afternoon design team. I couldn't keep up with everything - with my newly implemented physical therapy regimine, the kids' and their schools, tending to a new house and managing our previous house as a rental, it became too much and I needed a break. It was three wonderful years with OA, and I've loved every minute of working with John and Kim. It was a dream come true for me and they saw me through a terrible time in December 2012 when I needed it most. To be honest, with me having to say goodbye to OA, I felt like the last of my scrappy career had crumbled  - from the onset of the shootings that terrible December day, is what sent my then flourishing career into a tailspin. It's been a very sad time for me in that regard. I've always been a person with goals and aspirations, and recently I've been aimless in some ways. Lost.

 

The Second Goodbye

Yesterday, I was perusing my personal FB page, where I'm connected to a few scrappy friends from the past, when I noticed a post about Two Peas closing. I was dumbfounded. The place that I looked to as the "rock" in the scrapbooking community, and in many ways my rock through my scrapping career was closing its doors after 15 years.(What!?) (UPDATE: The year I spent as a Garden Girl was one of the best times for me in recent years. It was one of the biggest highlights of my career.  I was so proud and eager to succeed at Two Peas. I loved the people I worked with and was so elated that I was able to share my art with a community that was as passionate about the art as I was. I was completely distraught that I was unable to contunue there after 12/14, and it still weighs heavily on me today.) I had hopes that I would return in the fall to scrapping again, and utilize everything that Two Peas had at the ready to help me feel re-connected to the community again. Because of that, I'm oh, so sad. A premature goodbye and one that I wasn't ready to relinquish. I continue to think of Kristina and Jeffery and their family, and hope that with this new chapter brings all the best of luck to them as well as the rest of the the Two Peas employees. It's sure to be a very difficult time for them.

 

My Workshops

I sent an email to Kristina today with regards to the ownership of the 2 workshops that I created for Two Peas. Like many of the other Garden Girls have said in blog posts today, and I say the same, I have not heard anything with regards to the rights to those workshops. What I do know is that I wish to regain those rights back and then figure out a way to make them rightfully available to those who have previously purchased them, and also make them available to others in the future. My color workshop was particularly popular and continued to be so (happily), and I always had the intention of creating a version 2 to that workshop. I would love to continue to do just that!

Until then, you should have FULL ACCESS to the workshops until July 10th. Please make sure to download all PDFs and other files associated with the workshops. 

 

Hello to 40 + New Beginnings

Back in January, I turned 40. I've never had an issue with my yearly increase in ages really, until this one. Not sure what it was, but turning the big 4-0, had left a sour taste in my mouth.

Steadfast to overcome my feelings about it, I started the year off on top of the world - extremely hopeful and optomistic and making things happen. While it hasn't gone exactly as I hoped or planned back in January - in fact it's gone nowhere like I thought it would! - I am hopeful that we are turning the bend in this crazy year.

Some things are starting to come to light for me, when for a long while it's been murky, thick mud in my eyes! I have a new knee, I'm no longer with DT obligations and I have a beautiful new space to call my own. Perhaps this is where I shut one door on the past, and open this new one up for what will happen for my future. I'm hoping this time to make it sooner, rather than later. Perhaps with my new studio unpacking on the blog? ;)

October Afternoon Sketch + FREE Cut File :)

Hey everyone! I know it's been ages. I need to get back here to update not only the blog but what's been taking me so long to get back to the blog. For now, I wanted to come over and share a quick and easy layout created for today's October Afternoon sketch post on their blog. Check it out for all the details and where the inspiration came from. 

But quickly, I wanted to share the cut file I created to go along with the sketch for your using. Simply click on the image or the link below to download the file. 

Download Here! (Please let me know if you are able to download the file - it's not seeming to work for me for some reason.)

Make sure to check out the OA blog for the full details and I promise I'll be back soon with updates on life, scrapping and design!  Have a great day!